The Politics Of Drinking

I'm not really sure what this is, but haven't written here in awhile so why not? It's the strange story of a shameful man that may or may not be me. Either way I'm serializing it like I'm F. Scott Fitzgerald in Collier's Magazine so check back every now and then...

ONE

It was dark out. That’s as close I could come to telling the time when the bus arrived in Reno. It had been 5 days non-stop from New Jersey. I washed my hands a face in depot bathrooms. I changed my shirt twice, but my jeans, socks and underwear were all the same.  Considering the other passengers smelling bad was an advantage.  A guy got in in Ames, Iowa with a swastika tattooed on his neck. He sat down, introduced himself and since my name was once confused for being Jewish I told him I was “Liam O’Brien”, excused myself for the bathroom and sat in the last seat at the back. By Colorado no one would come near me.

My legs had apparently atrophied after 5 days. I took a seat in the station and stretched them out. A guy who looked like Biggie Smalls tried to sell me a watch probably because I was the only white guy around. He looked me up and down, caught a whiff and gave up the ghost before I could respond.

I had a borrowed carry-on bag with a couple days of clothes and toiletries on the plastic seat next to me. The rest of my clothes had been in a 30 gallon Hefty bag. Outside of Toledo a driver thought it was garbage and tossed it in a dumpster.

Nonetheless I’d beaten the doubters and made it to Reno. How I was gonna make it in Reno I had no friggin’ idea.

Notes Just A Stone's Throw From Dementia

To quote The Most Annoying Man in the World: "I don't always have thoughts, but when I do they are random." So here's mine as regards Hurricane Sandy...

--Candles Suck! And though I've never seen Sandalwood in nature I now what it smells like forever...not to mention Clean Linen, Cucumber & Melon, Summer's Eve (which did actually smell like a douche), Autumn Woods and my personal favorite My Day's End...because I never knew shame had a scent.

--Fires are not much better, I mean, unless you have this set up...
...And by the way when did they Fireplace kit stop including a bellows...or was that just invented by the Three Stooges to torture each other with?

--Power was out for 5 days and next to David (Son of Sam) Berkowitz I'm probably the last guy you want alone in a dark room for long stretches with only his thoughts...and yes the neighbor's dog did start talking to me, but fortunately he only said, "Kill Cats!"...though more than a few lines of Bruce Cockburn's "If I had A Rocket Launcher" were sung in a knees to chest, rockin', monotone (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7vCww3j2-w)

--If I go more than two days without a shower there's no way to comb my hair that I don't look like William Henry Harrison.

Seriously people if you learn nothing else here...if it's storming out, for God's sake, wear a jacket...(http://blonderandthinner.blogspot.com/2010/05/william-henry-harrison-he-didnt-die-of.html)...oh yeah and stay off the drugs too...

--I finally know what my Grandma meant when she used to say so-and-so got Prostrate Cancer. You can really injure yourself from lying flat for too long.

--Thank goodness Books on Tape...no wonder Duran Duran wrote a song about them..."Books on Tape, two minutes later, Books on Tape..."...what?...girls on film?...alright maybe I'm mistaken...(http://vimeo.com/18521738)

--And finally I'm no longer so impressed with people hundred's of years ago working "Sun up till sundown." Without electricity what the f*ck else could you do...

--But mostly thanks to all the public servants getting everything back to normal!



Football what a good idea!

Just Another Kick To The Oblongs (NFL-Week 7)

--Busy week, lots of drinking to catch up on so let's get thru this. First we are still Roto Experts, regardless of what CBS Sportsline's League Standings say. Our most recent article gives out around 10 Deep Sleepers for Week 7 or as we like to call it a Narcoleptic 9-Pack to get you thru Bye Weeks and injuries. Here's the link http://rotoexperts.com/26318/fantasy-owners-are-jonesing-for-felix-in-dallas/

--To subscribe to this page or follow us on Twitter go back to the Home Page and links are on the right. To those who asked we're not on InstaGram which is a term I last heard used in college for a pot dealer who would deliver to your dorm room. I'm assuming that meaning has changed. However, you can find us on FaceBook with a picture of Shirley Booth from Hazel for some reason at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bowling-Til-It-Hurts/144323018970626 As far as other social media is concerned...you can Pinterest my ass...now moving on...

--Happy Birthday to rapper/horticulturist Snoop Dogg who with each passing year, along with Willie Nelson, is the greatest living evidence for the Legalization of Marijuana folks. He's still looking spry, brain cells be damned, though at 42 he admitted it's time to drop by his General Practitioner to get a "Prostizzle exam and my Cholestorizzle checked out." Enjoy!

--They say "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"...except for Chlymidia and now apparently spousal abuse. Word is 32 year old former Chief RB Larry Johnson (I know, he ran like he was 60) is being brought back to Nevada on charges of slapping around his wife in the corridor of a Strip hotel. Though in his defense we think this may be a case of mistaken identity in that
Grandmama did it...what's that...wrong Larry Johnson?

--CHEERLEADER NEWS: I always have problems with labels. To me Dr. Jekyll  sounds like the bad one, until recently I had assumed The Great Gatsby was about a magician and I happily acquiesced to a girlfriend's suggestion of renting the movie Beaches figuring I can handle 90 minutes of High School humor and bimbos bouncing around in bikinis-an hour and half of Bette Midler/Barbara Hershey later the sight of sand still causes me to weep instantly.

More in line with what I was expecting...

So when I heard Cincinnati Bengals Cheerleader/High School teacher Sarah Jones was sleeping with her students I immediately thought..."Dream Maker", but apparently the label used by the State of Kentucky is "Predator".

For once, however, prosecutors didn't claim it was the students who turned in Ms. Jones. Something that I always found strange since as an former awkward, acne-faced adolescent I can assure you any sex in High School that didn't end with me limping out of Jerry Sandusky's shower woulda been fine by me.

What really bothers me though is the sense of entitlement American kids have today. Sarah Jones' lover got to have sex with an NFL Cheerleader and straight A's in her classes. Meanwhile in the Phillipines a Law School student had to sleep with this guy  to get a passing grade (http://sg.news.yahoo.com/nus-law-professor-under-sex-for-grades-probe-described-as-%E2%80%98charismatic%E2%80%99--%E2%80%98eccentric%E2%80%99.html). And they wonder why the Pacific Rim has blown past us in education. Kids today need to be reminded...you gotta EARN it!

If I got in trouble for banging this in High School I would've invoked the old Food That Dropped On The Floor Rule...anything less than 5 seconds doesn't count...

NFL
--Prior to and after Monday Nights' San Diego Charger debacle ESPN QB analysts like Trent Dilfer, Tim Hasselbeck and Ron Jaworski gave Phillip Rivers play more analysis than you find in the Penguin Books edition of Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis. Back foot, front foot, release point, shoulder dip, hip rotation, everything except what is really the matter with the Chargers offense...diminishing talent. From 2008 to 2011 Rivers was a Top 10 Fantasy QB throwing to the likes of Vincent Jackson, Antonio Gates and Darren Sproles. Now he's QB17 despite not having seen his Bye yet and playing against what Pro Football Reference ranks the easiest sked in the NFL.

You just don't rip the heart and soul out of a group and expect it to carry on like normal. Just ask Van Halen. Darren Sproles had 59 receptions in 2010, but was left to free agency and proved his worth by catching 86 balls in New Orleans last year. Vincent Jackson's production in Tampa this year proves he's a field stretcher of the highest caliber. He's raised the play of 2011 lost cause Josh Freeman so we can only speculate he's had a similiarly negative influence on the QB he left. And finally watching Antonio Gates these days in just painful. With his bloated body and chronic foot problems he looks like those old videos of Babe Ruth rounding the bases everytime he runs a circle route. He can still produce, but much of it seems forced due to lack of other options.

As for Rivers current catching crew beyond Gates Malcolm Floyd is 32 and while he has the speed of Tim Raines he shows up like Claude Rains while Robert Meachem is the NFL's version of Matt LeBlanc, great in an ensemble cast (Friends/Saints) terrible in a lead role (Joey/Chargers). Looks like it's not just time (or past time) for Norv Turner to go in San Diego, but also GM A.J. Smith because sometimes it's not the bow, it's the Indian.



--If you watched the Giants-49ers Week 6 you were witness to a coach calling perhaps the worst Challenge since the one Alexander Hamilton issued to Aaron Burr. It was a down by contact call that was so clear the referee spent about as much time "under the hood" as Malcolm X. The announcers blamed the booth for giving Harbaugh bad advice, but replays showed him throwing the Challenge flag before the ball was even marked by the officials. Harbaugh is now 5-14 on Challenges in his stint in San Fran, but the bigger takeaway may be his impetuous attitude. The NFL today may not have parity throughout, but at the upper reaches there seems to be a plateau where several teams are interchangeable depending on the week. Any small advantage is key and timeouts are not like plastic shopping bags. You can't just reach into that space between the counter and refrigerator for a never-ending supply. Alex Smith's woes are already limiting enough for the Niners without giving away other advantages. San Fran is still the favorite out West, but big games at New England and Seattle late in the year could prove crucial. Harbaugh needs to keep his cool both on and off the field if this solid, but still flawed group is going to improve on last year's effort.

Oh crap, Harbaugh's reachin' for the Challenge flag...

--Word out of Green Bay is that injured RB Cedric Benson was asked by police to stay away from the team's facility while they investigated a recent death threat he received. The authorities think the threat comes from an irate Fantasy owner of Benson who went down two weeks ago with a Lisfranc (pronounced liz-frank) injury to his foot. Benson is recuperating at home until police clear his return, but has been updating fans thru an online diary. An excerpt of which we print here:

...though I am forced to hide behind these walls I need not live in fear. I still believe Fantasy Football players are basically good and I think of the season still left and am happy. For inside the darkness lies a piece of hope. I will be back Week 14 for your playoffs. So I rejoice, but with some sadness. Ah, but who would think so much would rest on the foot of such a young man...

We'll be back next week with more from The Diary of my Lisfranc Injury by Cedric Benson.

And thank you to the many pictures I've posted of Denise Milani for helping me improve my ability to type with my left hand...

--Last week our selections tanked. I listed my play on Miami at -3 which would have been a push, but realized later I was looking at the opening line and that it closed at -4.5 or -5 so we'll accept the loss. Overall we're 2-3 with Fred at 1-2 and myself at 1-1.

This week Fred is on Tennessee +3.5. As for me if there's one thing I learned about cartoons and Gilligan's Island is that they overestimated the occurrence in real life of quicksand and mirages. Last week, however, I did see a mirage in the Jets win over Indianapolis. We can't keep track of our articles anymore, but in one we noted Andrew Luck would be in only the second road game (also read outdoors) of his NFL career. In his first the Colts were routed by the Bears and last week was more of the same as not only was Luck bad, but a banged-up defense allowed Shonn Greene, who runs with all the alacrity of Chairman Mao on The Long March, to go for an unconscionable 161 yards and 3 scores. That's not happening this week against zoftig Vince Wilfork and the Pats meaning the game's back in Mark Sanchez's hands where it should never be. Last year after dropping games to the Steelers and Giants Belichick's Boys pounded the Jets in Foxboro 37-16. More of the same this year so we'll go Pats -10.5.

--Finally last week's plays against the worst Strength of Schedule teams went 2-1 so this week how 'bout listing the teams to play the Toghest Skeds according to Pro Football Reference: Dallas, Carolina, Green Bay and St. Louis. Unfortunatley these teams square off against each other, but we will say Dallas is far and away the leader in this Department so they might be worth a roll in Carolina today.

Like Warwick...we're Dunn...except for this...
We agree...Yeah, implants!

A Slice From Fred Exley's Liver (MLB Notes-End Of June)

OUR NEW WEBSITE IS http://www.bowltilithurts.com/ TAKE A LOOK...DON'T COST NUTHIN'  

 Due to increased page traffic over the last several weeks we have been picked up by the FanVsFan Network. In terms of full disclosure we should admit that the spike in page views was not driven by our snarky sarcasm, witty repartee or slightly obtuse take on the human condition, but rather German men clicking in to see a pic we posted of mammothly mammaried, Hamburg hottie Jordan Carver who is currently the biggest thing to come out of the Reich since Falco blitzkrieged MTV with his paean to pastry "Rock I'm A Danish"...wait, that was the title, right...anyway here's some quick observations on Sports and sundry other forms of entertainment so enjoy!

Duetschland Dazzler and Dewey Decimal Devotee (who knew?) Jordan Carver...

College Football: First up Sexy Sideline Strumpet and Tom-Peepee Erin Andrews has apparently not renewed her lease at ESPN for the 2012 CFB season. So let's all visit her this year at her new residence at FOX Sports-I'll bring the drill...In other CFB news the powers that be in that cesspool of greed have announced the BCS Championship Game will be replaced by a 4 team playoff system. So as 4 more teams (UMass, So. Alabama, UT-San Antonio & UT-San Marcos) push the total FBS (1-A) schools near the 130 mark thereby creating even more wildly disparate strength of skeds let the batlle over #4 vs, #5 (6,7,8...) begin!

Erin Andrews...what you thought those sixteen second sound bites with Nick Saban on the way to halftime landed her a 7-figure deal at FOX?

Pseudo-Sport: On July 4th Joey Chestnut won his unprecedented 6th straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Championship which made me wonder-is marijuana considered a Performance Enhancing Drug (PED) on the Professional Eating Circuit?...Nearly shit myself when I heard short term sensation Jeremy Lin of the Knicks had been offered $29M to sign with the Rockets. Is that a case of Lin-Continence?... And if you're craving football the CFL regular season kicked off this past weekend to give you that 110 yard gridiron fix you've been needing. Though it's hard to take seriously a professional league that for most of its existence had two teams named the Roughriders (Saskatchewan and Ottawa). Assuming one franchise came first who owned the other one, Raymond Babbitt-"Yeah definitely has to be Roughriders, gotta name the team Roughriders, definitely Roughriders". Me, I just like to watch until the first Rouge is scored http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_(football), but that's just me...

Maria Edible: a model who also competes on the Professional Eating Circuit where she is routinely photographed shoveling hot dogs into her mouth...or as I call her, Marketing Genius!

Pop Culture: Went to see Magic Mike last night. I actually thought it was a biopic of the Jew-Fro, harmonica guy from the J. Geils Band who did the bass voice on "Love Stinks". Turns out that was Magic Dick. Still it wasn't so bad since I used to be a Chippendale Dancer myself. I mean now I'm more of a Chip-A-Hoy Dancer, but things get away from us over time...RIP to Don Grandy who played Robbie on the classic sitcom My Three Sons. Distraught over lack of job offers police say he committed suicide by throwing a noose over his neck, tapping his foot 72 times on the chair and falling to his demise...Congrats to lard loving Celebrity Chef Paula Deen for dropping 30 pounds and lowering her cholesterol to 320. Considering Crisco has a reading of 310 it appears she might still have a ways to go...and finally enough already with Rocker Bob Seger ranting on Twitter about memorabilia stolen during a party thrown by his youngest daughter (he has two, ages 14 and 36). I'm sure you Feel Like A Number, guy, but it's time to just Turn The Page.

J. Geils Band harmonica-ist Magic Dick during his Freeze Frame/Centerfold prime...and just a heads up from experience, Google Image his name at your own risk.

MLB: Boston starter Aaron Cook's strikeout-less streak was snapped last week by Seattle's Chone Figgins at 12.2 innings dating back to last season. More addicted to wood than the heroine in Fifty Shades Of Grey after 4 starts this year his K/9 stands at 0.79 making seeing a Cook K an occurrence on par with, say, spotting a bald Native American. Sadly for those who like to partake in the occasional Caribbean Investment Cook is not scheduled to start against the lumber-laden Yankees this weekend...But at least Cook throws strikes unlike Royals starter Jonathan Sanchez who is acquainted with the strike zone like I am with the annual Victoria Secret Pool Party-I know it exists, I want to be there, but I not really doing anything to make that happen. At present Sanchez has walked 40 batters in 46 innings or 7.8 per nine IP, a figure that makes "Nuke" Laloosh look like Cliff Lee. With prospect Danny Duffy on the shelf till 2013 the current Royals staff of Bruce Chen, Luke Hochevar, Luis Mendoza, Everett Teaford and Sanchez is so weak that despite the fact the club could still be in contact of the #5 Wild Card spot through the end of July they should definitely be sellers at the trade deadline because with this crew as a post-motorcycle accident Bob Dylan once put it, "You Ain't-a Goin' Nowhere"...Odd Stat of June: During the month one pair of teammates combined for 34.2 innings of scoreless relief-Adams/Feliz? No. Downs/Frieri? No. Romo/Casilla? No. Camp/Marmol?Only kidding. Answer: TomWilhelmsen and Charlie Furbush (who by his surname suggests his parents weren't Brazilian). By the way they pitch for Seattle and it didn't help as the Mariners went 11-16 during the month...

When I Googled Charlie Furbush this appeared...still doesn't make up for Magic Dick...

Even in a long haul timing is important. I can still remember one whirlwind courtship that began with me, of all cynics, giving a girl one of those statues of a tow-headed child with his arms stretched wide over the saying, "I Love You THIS Much" after only the second date. Six months later it was re-gifted to me with the arms broken off. In other words it's good not to shoot your load too early (though that was a completely seperate issue in the relationship) and spread out your triumphs if you expect long-term success. The two biggest NL Division leading surprises of April/May were the Dodgers and Nationals, but as we move toward the Al-Star Break these clubs seem to be moving in opposite directions. Since May 30 the Nats have gone 19-11 and increased their NL East lead by 4 games while L.A. has gone 15-19 and given back 4 games even dropping out of first as recently as this past weekend. In the parity that is the National League almost every roster is made up of a couple of stars, a group of solid starters and assorted role players. The former group is expected to produce consistent success, the middle group average performance and the latter moments of production mixed with mediocrity. In the case of Washington the production has been spread nicely. Star players Stephen Strasburg, Jordan Zimmerman, Gio Gonzalez and Bryce Harper have all delivered the goods while pluggers Adam LaRoche, Danny Espinosa, Steve Lombardozzi and Rick Ankiel have provided varying degrees of steadiness. The key, however, has been Jesus Flores, Roger Bernadina, Ian Desmond and the relief trio of Clippard/Stammen/Burnett performing well overall or in spurts while expected producers Ryan Zimmerman, Michael Morse, Wilson Ramos and Drew Storen have been laid up or ineffective. Storen is due back shortly after the break and though Ramos is lost for the year Zimmerman and Morse are finally healthy and have raised their OPS over 100 points each in the last two weeks as Washington not only extended their division lead but took over the best record in the NL. The Dodgers, on the other hand, spent the last two weeks of June smoking a cigarette and trying to stay outta the wet spot. Over 12 games from June 19 to 30 they went 2-10 and averaged 1.2 runs per game while breaking a franchise record for scoreless innings set in 1962 before rules lowered the mound so that it no longer resembled a place of worship constructed by a Pre-Columbian Indian tribe. Problem is the Dodgers all went off at once. Stars Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier were otherwordly, as could be expected, from the start, but at the same time the Ellises, Mark & A.J., Jerry Hairston, Juan Rivera, Dee Gordon and Tony Gwynn, Jr. were all playing well over their heads and Chris Capuano/Aaron Harang were pitching like it was 2005. Now that Kemp/Ethier are on the DL and the pitching has dropped back a tick with Ted Lilly also laid up the Dodge-ballers could use some magic from the aforementioned group of roster fillers, but like David Copperfield's hold on Claudia Schiffer finally their magic is all used up. The Dodgers can't get back those extra runs they pounded folks with early and trying to plug holes with the aging likes of Bobby Abreu, Adam Kennedy and Matt Treanor hasn't done the trick. The futility of their NL West brethren has the Dodgers back in first, but for our money the Nats are the squad here to stay and the Dodgers will be the one scramblin' for the #5 slot come September. Now if Washington could just figure out what they're going to do about that Strasburg 160 IP limit...

Apparently this is Sarah from Hooters, a restaurant that I'm assuming does zero Take-Out business...

Thanks for your toleration and we'll be back after the All-Star Game though some might question why...

Notes From No Fixed Address (MLB Mid-June Report)

--Due to a power outage two weeks ago at our school we must go an extra half day tomorrow with attendance expected at around 25% which in turn repeatedly prompted this conversation today:

STUDENT: Guess what?
ME: You have an end of the year gift for me?
STUDENT: No, but I'm not coming to school tomorrow.
ME: That's the greatest gift of all...

Now that school's out I can spend more time on my own non-censored home computer...a scenario in which I believe everybody wins...

--In other work related news I was on my way to an interview Thursday when I realized I could not be bitter and/or sarcastic which, quite frankly, is tying my hands right there. Or as an ex-girlfriend once noted, "if it wasn't for bitterness and sarcasm you'd have no personality at all." All things considered...probably didn't get it.

--Now I see it. That's the actress who played Sue Ellen Mischke, the Bra-Less Heir to the O. Henry Candybar fortune, on Seinfeld in the ad for the new Dallas on TNT. So thank you IMDB for saving me from having to watch that steaming pile of garbage.

In 1995 we loved actress Betty Strong and her free-wheeling, Devil may care attitude...17 years later hopefully she's thrown a blouse on...

--On June 1 Mets manager Terry Collins was on the horns of a dilemma after Johan Santana had successfully completed 7 hitless innings vs. the St. Louis Cardinals. On the one hand  Mets history regarding this possibility was akin to how Hawkeye Pierce liked his martinis, "dry, drier, driest...a veritable Dustbowl of no-hitters", but at the same time if the surgically repaired shoulder of Santana was going to complete the feat it would require him to throw enough pitches to make Iron Man Joe McGinnity wince (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_McGinnity). In the end Collins left Santana in, he threw 134 pitches, but got the first no-no in franchise history...So was it all worth it?

    I'll say mostly yes and a little no. Yes because loyal Mets fans deserved it. Now I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea of this Mets club as a playoff contender, but in the parity of the NL it's not out of the question. Still it's nice to have some seasonal highlights to hang your hat on if the whole thing does tank lest you wind up with a season-ending video like that of 1979 Mets (63-99) titled "Turning It Over" and featuring shots of every single one of Frank Taveras' and Doug Flynn's league leading double plays (defensive, not offensive). Additionally Santana is not a youngster. He can determine his own breaking point and if he decides he wants to push it, well Hell, he's likely not coming back anyway when he contract expires so the risk is his own.

    On the other hand are no-hitters really that big a deal anymore? Kevin Milwood and a cast of several that included such luminaries as Stephen Pryor, Lucas Luetge and the naughtily named Charlie Furbush twirled one on 6/8. Not to mention Phil Humber's back in April. A feat that has produced worse followups than M. Night Shamaylan with Humber going 2-4 with a 6+ ERA since. Additionally 2011 saw hitless hurling from Ervin Santana and Francisco Liriano, 2010 from Ubaldo Jimenez and Dallas Braden, all moundsmen whose careers have turned considerably downward since those efforts. Toss in the fact that the Metropolitans really took one step forward/two steps back as the high pitch count forced Collins to push Johan's next start back in favor of Jeremy Hefner who got his ascot knocked off in a 5-3 loss to the Nats. And even when he did return he admitted to fatigue being the cause for a 5 IP, 6 ER, 4 HR performance against the Yankees.

    So in short, no-hitters...I could take 'em or leave 'em, but as a Mets fan I'm happy for Johan Santana's cherry-popper....You always remember your first.

Did we mention Scott Podsednik was signed as a free agent by the Red Sox...well now we did...so this picture of his wife is no longer gratuitous...

--Working at a school I get to see every even moderately special event turned into a Papparazzi fest that would make you think Kim Kardashian was going down on the ghost of Michael Jackson every other day in our Multi-Purpose Room. Or as comedian Jim Gaffigan once put it, "parents today have more photos of their kids than times my father even looked at me."

    In other words it's easy these days to make too much out of a small thing, but I do think there is something to be made of Tigers recent 8-4 run coinciding with the return of CF Austin Jackson. Now I'm no huge fan of Jackson who rode an inflated BABIP to an All-Star season in 2010 only to regress by 20-50 points in every triple slash category in 2011, but he is a table-setter scoring 193 runs while stealing 49 bases in those years.

    The real benefit of Jackson's return is that it has allowed the benching/scuttling of several Jim Leyland pets. I've always maintained that when you can no longer distinguish the feces from the food you're but a housecoat and pair of ratty slippers away from a spot on Animal Hoarders and by throwing personal favorites like Brandon Inge, Andy Dirks, Clete Thomas, Don Kelly, Ramon Santiago and Ryan Raburn into the outfield mix over the first two months Jimmy L. began to resemble nothing so much as the Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons as the Tigers floundered several games below .500.

    But surprinsingly the Jackson injury allowed irony to show its face in the Detroiters favor...no, not the Alanis Morrisette fly in your soup ironic which isn't ironic, but simply unfortunate, more like the first person to clone a sheep being a Scotsman kinda ironic http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolly_(sheep  ...in that it produced the callup of Quintin Berry (.305 BA, .389 OPS), a player so far down the minor league pecking order that even hardcore MLB Annuals didn't have him on their radars.

    Now Inge has been released, Dirks DLed, Thomas traded, Kelly benched and Santaigo/Raburn confined to a 2B platoon that improves the Tigers by halving the number of positions they can drag into the Replacement Level abyss. Of course since I started this rambling dissertation Detroit dropped two of three on the road to Pittsburgh. Still Berry/Jackson have become the top of the order guys needed in front of Fielder and Cabrera while their speed and glovework drastically improves the outfield D and consequently the staff particularly pitch-to-contact guys like Rick Porcello and Doug Fister, as well as, flyball throwers Max Scherzer and Justin Verlander.

    Additionally the Motor Citizens have played 45 games vs. +.500 teams vs. only 26 vs. sub-.500 squads, a stark contrast to the near 50/50 split faced by AL Central leaders Chicago and Cleveland. The bullpen is messy, but deep with Benoit, Coke and Dotel all able to take high leverage turns until Jose Valverde gets straightened out (figuratively, not literally), the starters might get a boost if 21 year-old phenom Jacob Turner can followup on his decent 2012 debut (5 IP, 1 ER vs. St.L.) and if a bat can be added at the deadline the White Sox and Indians may be sorry they didn't bury the Tigers when they had the chance.

--News reports indicate that fans at a Wrigley Field performance of "The Wall" by Roger Waters remained unmoved when a small remote control plane crashed into the side of the stage and caught fire apparently thinking it was part of the act. Then again after 104 years of pennant-less futility perhaps they were just "Comfortably Numb".

Finally, a chance for me to get some reading done...

--And finally in the ongoing aftermath of the Roger Clemens acquittal I'm sure you'll hear him blame his plight on everyone from Brian McNamee to George Mitchell to the owners to the media. The one person/group you won't here him excoriate though is the one most responsible for his ordeal, his fellow players.

    Clemens wants us to believe he's somehow different than McGwire, Sosa, Bonds, Palmiero and the litany of liars that have been exposed before him. And to disassociate himself from the Canseco's, Caminiti's and Jason Grimsley's who have already revealed the sordid underbelly of the sport during Clemens' prime(s). He wants to stand alone and be judged which seems quite convenient considering he was happy to stand silently together with these same folks when the late 80s Collusion Ruling sent salaries skyrocketing or the MLBPA refused to even discuss drug testing of any kind in their collective bargaining.

    That the studly ex-ballplayer and his Barbie Doll wife were able to sway a jury better than a confessed drug dealing, divorcee who falls somewhere between Ratso Rizzo and the guy who played Luther in 48 Hours on the Pauly Shore Scale of Weasliness is hardly a shock.

Hard to believe the same guy also played a character named Luther in The Warriors...what range!

 But while it may fool 12 people who, as they say, weren't smart enough to get outta Jury Duty I'm proud to say it's not enough to fool true baseball fans.

    Police have often faced the same skepticism of their integrity when the vaunted "Blue Wall of Silence" has been erected to coverup malefeasance and bad cops. The difference is we are willing to forgive these indiscretions since these people, particularly in inner cities, put their lives on the line everyday and for that we accord them some latitude. Clemens and company play a kid's game for 100 times the salary. Their "Wall of Silence" was built of greed and ego and that deserves no latitude at all. In the long run maybe time will make it seem meaningless, but in the short-term here's hoping folks save their sympathy and their HOF votes for the more deserving.

OK, now this one's gratuitous...

--Wow, heavy stuff...where did that come from? Not really sure, but we'll be back by the end of the week with more crap including our update on bat-finding Red Sox starter Aaron Cook and his consecutive K-less inning streak, some Fantasy Football stuff and what the Hell a Corn Dog! Yeah, at this point I don't know either...Comment below...and Good Night!!

MLB Snide: Week of June 11th

--This is the new format with shorter more succinct observations, but the same low-brow humor. But don't think of it as smaller. instead like a bite-size Snickers or what I tell my girlfriend in the bedroom...let's call it Fun-Sized.

--May have a slightly better offer to teach 3rd grade next year which creates a conundrum. On the one hand I'd be forced to cut my vocabulary in half not to mention be nice...which frankly rubs me the wrong way. However I'd also have the advantage of being one of the few male teachers meaning by simply raising my voice I could have it running like a Cambodian sneaker factory in there; as opposed to High School where the kids shrug and tell me to "settle down Ugly Matt Damon". I'll have to drink on it...

Thank God the pictures are back...and it's nice to see a young person celebrating the Queen's Jubilee...particularly this young person...

--Has anyone else noticed that the Mets lineup leans to the left more than a Wobblie (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Industrial_Workers_of_the_World)? To date the Metropolitans are 7-15 vs. LHP a figure that's only bettered by the super cellar dwelling Padres and Cubs in all of baseball. Good thing I noticed this just in time for David Price and the Rays to sink my Antigua based "investment" account a few more bucks on Wednesday night.

--And in more Met meanderings...With expectations at an all-time low heading into 2012 to date the Mets have played under less pressure than you'd find in the whipped cream cans after one of my High School shifts at Baskin-Robbins (a thought that has me pondering: 1. Do I have any Redi-Whip in the fridge?...and 2. Can urine tests detect high concentrations of nitrous oxide?). Then came the intensity of the Subway Series rivalry and the early Ass-Kickin' Amazins shriveled up like a drunk undressing RuPaul and suddenly we're back to reality.

    So as a Met fan I say thank you to the "200 Million Dollar Men" of Yankee Universe as even a skeptic like myself, who falls somewhere between Holden Caulfield and George Carlin on the Cynical Scale, was starting to believe a Wild Card was in reach. Of course as I write this the Mets are in the process of sweeping the Rays so the whole gut wrenching process could be starting up all over again. But if I have to watch Jon Rauch in high-leverage relief situations with the playoffs within reach I can gaurantee Proctor & Gamble won't make enough Pepto to make that run worthwhile.

I'm no Mr. Blackwell, Lord knows, but the hat, the suspenders, the tiny t-shirt with "Mets Girl" written on it? Is she supposed to be a new villain in the porno version of the Batman TV series...and I've already copyrighted that so make it and you'll owe me...

--Are the talking heads of ESPN letting slide a humorous happenstance every time new Anaheim catcher John Hester appears in a highlight wearing the Angels' big, scarlet "A"? Then again I guess Nathaniel Hawthorne jokes are why I'm in the bowels of the Internet and they're live in your livingroom every night...water really does seek its level...

--Funny how so many dating site profiles indicate that women love "hiking and long walks on the beach" yet ask the same women to go to the kitchen and get you a beer and suddenly you're worse than Hitler. It's the difference between early impressions and long-term reality. A reality that is to the Pittsburgh Pirates as gravity is to High School girls with enormous racks...in that it's comin' to get 'em!

And congrats to the L.A. Kings...mostly for finding a way to bring this into the sport, but what the heck for their first Stanley Cup also.

    On Sunday the Pirates woke up tied for first with the Reds, by Tuesday they were in second and if last season is any predictor by the end of August they'll be deep into another season even Marilu Henner would try to forget (http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/entertainment/2012/04/actress-marilu-henners-rare-super-memory-recalls-every-day-of-her-life/). You see last year we went through the same Dog-and-Pony act as the Buccos were playing .500 ball over their first 62 games only to go 41-59 from there on on their way to an ignominious 19th straight losing season.

    This year the Jack Sparrows are an even better 32-29 as they approach their 62nd game, but while 2011's club was performing to levels approximating that of a .500 squad the indicators in 2012 look worse than the prospects of a Chris Brown/Drake duet album (yeah, I don't know who they are either, but it's all the kids could talk about). According to Baseball-Reference.com's expanded standings they are the luckiest team in baseball right now outplaying their record based on Run Differential (PYTHAG W/L) by 5 games. In fact the only teams that have a run differential worse than the P'burghers are all clubs 10 or more games under .500 and Miami. Additionally, they are a league leading +7 in 1-run games, 3-0 in extra innings and have feasted on sub-.500 clubs at 17-7.

    On the individual side their pitching has been much improved which might bode well for the future if that improvement wasn't boosted by Erik Bedard and A.J. Burnett. The former so brittle he could hurt himself trying to jump on top of the Saturday paper and the latter sure to collapse like a futon in a fat guy's house if the games ever get meaningful. Even 27 year old James McDonald, who seems in the throes of a breakout year, is benefitting from a depressed .259 BABIP (career is .298) and could have regression in his future. And that's not good considering the offense has not held up it's end of the deal and currently sports only 1 player, righty CF Andrew McCutcheon, with an OPS over .700. Which in turn may be why the Pirates are much better vs. lefty starters than righties. Another not good thing considering right-handers outnumber their Devil-armed brethren by a 2:1 ratio.

    Of course, outside L.A. and Washington the rest of the NL is re-defining mediocrity for folks who don't remember Foreigner after they recorded "I Want To Know What Love Is" so the Yinzers may hang around for a bit. But once age, injuries and regression catches up to the staff and bullpen and clubs start pitching around McCutcheon like he was Kelly Leak (he already leads the team in IBBs, but with only 4) it'll be wait til Steeler time again on the confluence of the Ohio, Allegheny and Monongahela.

Thanks for coming and we hope to be up again by Sunday with some stuff featuring Johan Santana, Phillip Humber and Aroldis Chapman plus why I always hated Marlboro Bucks (do they still have those...I mean at $9 a pack you'd think they'd still throw you a bone). I'm always here for you...

Life Is Full Of Disappointment...And I Am Full Of Life (MLB Idiocy)

--Woke up Sunday Night to the MTV Awards somehow on my TV...so when did they get rid of Martha Quinn, anyway?...Alan Hunter? Nina Blackwood? Mark Goodman? Don't even tell me Triple J is gone? Not to mention 7 versions of MTV on my system and not one music video airing? Have I been asleep/drunk that long?

--From the deserts of Algeria to the valley of Dienbienphu, from the Maginot Line to the Ardennes Forest depending on the French in any contest of agression is hardly a recipe for success. On the other hand when it comes to fries, toast, kissing and, surprisingly, overtime series clinchers between the Rangers and Devils Franco-phoning it in ain't a bad way to go. So as the cries of "Matteau, Matteau" are replaced by "Henrique, Henrique" and the potential TV ratings darling New York Rangers are off on the golf course here's hoping Derby/Preakness winner I'll Have Another has been on his most careful behavior over this week as Belmont-airing NBC can seemingly turn viewer gold into ratings garbage without even trying.

--And in other non-MLB news it appears former heavyweight champ Evander Holyfield is headed to jail for owing over $350K in child support on 11 children. I can't help, but think if Mike Tyson had only bitten him a little lower a lot of these problems could've been avoided.

--Now it's hard to believe one old man could take down an entire multi-million dollar operation, but just like Modern Family would be little more than an annoying bunch of whiney Yuppies plus Sofia Vergara's breasts without Ed O'Neil so too, it seems, are the Atlanta Braves but a shadow of themselves sans Chipper Jones. Over the last several seasons the Farewell Tour-ing Jones has been yo yo-ed between the starting lineup and the DL so often you'd think Tom Smothers had a string up his ass, but at no time has the effect been as stark as at the beginning of the 2012 campaign. So far the Bravos are 19-6 in games in which Chipper has batted more than once and an astonishing 9-19 in all other contests. So there's your problem, right?

    Well not really...You see despite Jones' abscence, Freddie Freeman's Mr. Magoo impression and the Sub-Replacement Level Homesick Blues of Juan Francisco at 3B Atlanta still ranks 3rd in the NL in runs scored. Conversely they rank 10th or worse in ERA, Runs Allowed, HRs Allowed, Walks and Ks as they struggle to find anyone beyond Brandon Beachy who can give them consistent, quality innings. With Triple-A banished Jair Jurrjens velocity having dropped like that of a Smart Car on Lombard Street, youngsters Mike Minor/Randall Delgado seemingly overmatched to this point and the Tommy Hanson/Tim Hudson inconsistencies hinting at possible nagging injuries the return of Chipper Jones seems moot.

    Up to this point the Braves have far outplayed their run projections so that even with Chipper they are likely to drop back to somewhere closer to their #10 finish of 2011. That means unless one of the aforementioned under-achievers turns it up, Kris Medlen becomes the greatest swingman since Aaron Small circa 2005 http://www.baseball-reference.com/players/s/smallaa01.shtml or the Noc-A-Homas find help at the trade deadline it could be but a mediocre sunset Chipper Jones rides off into this fall. And with each passing day those Washington Nationals NL East pennant tickets I picked up in Vegas are looking better and better.

--But, as I always remind myself, things could be worse...you could be a fan of the Oakland A's. I mean not that anyone thought the Athletics were going anywhere this season. Still it's always nice to at least see some entertaining baseball when you come to the park or turn on the set, but this version of the A's features all the excitement of a Bill Pullman Film Festival...or do I mean Bill Paxton...wait, umm...well actually I guess that makes my point right there.

    But if you need more evidence consider May 22nd when the A's were 1-hit by a combination of C.J. Wilson and Ernesto Frieri while putting forth a lineup that packed less punch than the drummer for Def Leppard. With Yosenis Cespedes and Josh Reddick dinged up the Oak-ies trotted out an order of Crisp, Cowgill, (Seth)Smith, Gomes, Donaldson, Pennington, Rosales, Barton and Recker in a veritable "Who's That?" of Triple-A lifers. In fact this clout crippled crew reminded us of nothing so much as an Amish Prince impersonator in that they batted like it was 1899. With 5 of the 9 spots manned by swingers below the Mendoza line the group sported less wood than the placebo control group in an Erectile Dysfunction drug trial and the highest batting average (.250 in 4 ABs) belonged to Adam Rosales a dis-utility infielder coming off a season in which, forget Mario Mendoza, he batted 1 point below the Barbara Feldon (Get Smart) Line at .098. Meanwhile bringing up the rear was LF Colin Cowgill (in the Dirt) who was at .128 in both batting average and slugging percentage. Since then things haven't got a lot better and presently Oakland stands dead last in the AL in every triple slash category. So to Billy Beane one has to ask...how's that Moneyball thing working out for you now, huh?

--Years ago after attending the movie Indecent Proposal with a girlfriend she asked, "Would you let me sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" To which I replied, "Let's be serious...where would I get that kinda money?" Or in other words I know a little something about mis-speaking. In fact, the only difference between my ill-timed statement and last week's rants by Indians closer Chris Perez about lack of fan appreciation in Cleveland is that Perez had a litany of reporters/microphones/cameras in his face when he mis-spoke...well, that and he still had a chance of getting laid afterward.

    Still I understand, to a degree, where Perez was coming from. His comment on the Indians being in first place in the standings, but last in attendance does seem to accord him latitude along the lines of "righteous anger", but that's taking the short-sighted view of things. So let's take a quick stroll back through time to see just how a fanbase may have reached this point of epic apathy and, what the heck, point out why Chris Perez is such a Mullet-headed moron in the process.

    Now in the cult Sid Vicious biopic Sid & Nancy (didn't see that coming I bet) there is a scene late in the film where a completely strung out Vicious and girlfriend Nancy Spungen beg a supplier to get them more heroin as the grovel in their own refuse on the floor of a disheveled room at the Chelsea Hotel. After teasing them a bit the pusher finally grabs the money then quips sarcastically as he exits, "now you two don't go nowhere while I'm gone..."

    From a career path pointing toward Rock God popularity to murder and finally misplaced martyrdom Vicious' story is a cautionary tale of the perils of addiction. One that baseball fans in 1981 did not heed (and considering the movie didn't come out until 1986 it woulda been difficult) when 72,086 of them poured into Cleveland's cavernous Municipal Stadium to celebrate that year's All-Star Game put on by a group of owners and players who had held America's Pastime hostage for 48 days in a strike that lasted from June 12 to July 31 and forced the splitting of the season into two halves.

    And from that point on the powers that be in the game knew they had a blank check to tell the ticket buying public to "don't go nowhere" while they ushered in the era of parking fees, cable-only telecasts, multi-millionaire utility men, $6 hot dogs, $9 cans of beer, taxpayer funded stadiums, seat licenses and any other udder they could grab on to milk more out of the willpower-less Diamond Dependent.

    So 30 years later is it any wonder that a mouth-breathing moundsman like Perez feels a sense of entitlement so great that he doesn't just want to get paid millions for his 3-4 innings pitched a week, but also wants a large contingent of unconditional cheerleaders on hand to stroke his ego as well.

    It reminds me, many years ago, of the complaints by Doctors who said Health Insurance Companies were squeezing them by only paying say $250 for a procedure that they previously charged $500 for. What these Hippocratic Hypocrites failed to realize is that the price of everything whether it be a Box Seat ticket or a Colonoscopy is determined the same way...by What The Market Will Bear. When Doctors priced themselves beyond the market they forced patients into the arms of the Insurers and once the Insurers became ubiquitous the balance of power shifted. The Healthcare carriers had the knowledge of what procedures were necessary, how often they should be administered and what was a fair price with an eye toward protecting their client (the patient) and their own bottomline. If the White Coats so chose they could refuse to accept Health Insurance, watch their appointment books go blank and seek a job as Mitt Romney's Personal Physician, I guess.

    But that's Capitalism. Unlike the one Perez' teammate Fausto Carmona was caught going the wrong way down prior to his DUI it's a two-way street. Everyone loves it when the flow is going their way, but when the traffic turns against them they cry foul...or Socialism...or some such thing. For the owners and players the idea that folks would just keep turning out no matter the cost has almost never been challenged. But even in a town that once gave as idiotic a promotion as Nickel Beer Night there is no Loaves and Fishes Day at the ballpark.

    So perhaps it's the down economy or more likely it's the lack of commitment/poor planning by the Tribe's front office, but no matter the reason the fans of Cleveland have seemingly shaken the horse-hide monkey off their backs and lapsed into a Missouri State of Mind. Demanding that the Indians "Show Me" their turnaround is serious before they turn over their ever-decreasing paychecks and increasingly clogged hearts to the team this time.

    And based on recent events in Tribe-dom who can blame them. Since their improbable run to within one game of the World Series in 2007 they've jettisoned two Cy Young Award winners (Lee/Sabathia) for the Quadruple-A likes of Matt LaPorta, Jason Donald, Lou Marson, Michael Brantley and Zach Jackson. When that hasn't worked they flipped the equation and sent prospects like Drew Pomeranz and Alex White to Colorado for the diminishing returns of Ubaldo Jimenez or tried to pretend there were any missed bats left in the sinkerball stylings of the carbon-dating required arm of Derek Lowe. And if all else fails ownership cries injury pointing to the lamentable tales of Grady Sizemore, Travis Hafner and now the cranial traumatized Carlos Santana.

    At this point they've almost run out of ways to distract the fans from the fact that they are paying Kellogg's Frosted Flakes prices for $1 Store Frosty Flake entertainment. By the time kids like Lonnie Chisenhall and Jason Kipnis become stars (if they do) monetary concerns could take Asdrubal Cabrera, Shin-soo Choo and others away as the interminable cycle of rebuilding feeds on itself and the big market clubs go veteran-ly rolling along.
   
    And maybe that's why I can't recall any of the Cleveland brass publicly reprimanding Chris Perez or discounting his words. They've run out of excuses to fool asses into the seats so they hope angry words might shame folks back to the ball park. Too business savvy and without the athletic credentials to get away with it they were more than happy to let their erratic and easily replaceable closer do the dirty work for them.

    Attendance figures indicate it hasn't made much difference so far particularly in the face of the Tribe getting knocked out of first by the red-hot White Sox. But that's alright there's always one last trick up the proverbial ownership sleeve. And when Clevelanders hear the idea of the Charlotte/Jacksonville/Vancouver Indians bandied about in the near future they should take it with a smile, after all, they'll be reminded, it's only Capitalism.

    Yes I promised less verbose postings, but had to clean out the last of the notes before we moved to the new format. Within the next few days we plan to move on from the pithy titles and long-winded rants and move on to date-stamped MLB commentary on a bi- or tri-weekly basis. Also we hope to have full blown Fantasy Football advice here soon. Become a Follower at the top right, find us on Facebook at "Bowling Til' It Hurts" or on Twitter @sprtcom102...and now to find out what this whole "Bath Salts" thing is all about....